Real Life…

“Real life is a funny thing, you know.  In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial.  So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  But lately what I’ve begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.  I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back, we should’ve said ‘I’m sorry.’  When we didn’t stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.”       -Taylor Swift

{I have been writing this post over the course of the last few weeks as things happened.  I have debated whether it is appropriate to post something about this, and after Will and I talked about it, we chose to, for ourselves and for our own reasons.}

Day One 10.7.2015 (Wednesday)

Hello All,

I have purposefully not posted in a while because I have been writing and editing what was supposed to be one of my (and Will’s) happiest posts ever.  Unfortunately that post is not what you will read right now.  My other post will now be printed and kept in a special book instead.  I process things a lot by not only talking things out, but also by writing- I always have.  As a child I even always kept a journal.  I keep this blog not only for family and friends to keep up with what is going on in mine and Will’s life, but also as a journal of our life journey together. 

That journey together can bring both good and bad things with it, but the important thing is how you get through it.  I hope that one day when we have children, they may find this blog, read it and find knowledge and power in the fact that their parents did go through good and bad things and that there is a way to get through them.  I feel like so often social media paints a picture of a “perfect life” that leaves so many people feeling like they aren’t doing enough or aren’t “keeping up with the Jones’.”  I feel the complete opposite- I feel like people should sometimes see the imperfections of life, to know that they are not alone, and that in the end we are only human.  Soooo, I write this post not to have your pity, but in hopes that maybe it will help someone else process a similar situation.  Also, as a dedication…

On Wednesday, September 2nd, I discovered I was pregnant- big, shocking, happy surprise!  I thought and thought how I would tell Will, and came up with my plan.  I caught him off guard that night, but it was a happy moment.  We started reading and checking into all the newly pregnant books/websites.  We were excited by the fact that my parents and his parents would be here for Blue’s Fest (ironically this weekend.). We were going to tell both sets of them at dinner on Sunday night.  We decided to not tell anyone else about this until we told them.  Unfortunately I loved the news, but am horrible at hiding things, so I personally avoided my friends and family some, to keep myself from blurting out the news.  Fast forward to two Friday’s ago- I had a little bleeding, went in for an ultrasound and blood test and everything still turned out perfectly.  Everything about me looked perfect to the doctor and our baby had a good heartbeat!  They gave me a picture and things were officially real- knowing that I didn’t have a chemical or ectopic pregnancy or anything else scary you can read about.  Poor Will tried his hardest to make it to that appointment and got there right as they finished the ultrasound.  Let’s fast forward another week…. I started to spot again, but nothing major.  As of this past Monday things got heavier and weren’t looking good.  Tuesday night it was the heaviest so Will recommended that we go to the ER.  We spent several hours waiting, having blood drawn, and getting an ultrasound.  The bad news came that they didn’t see a heartbeat, and assumed we had lost the baby.  They told us to visit my doctor the next morning, today.  We went and it was confirmed that we had lost the baby; I would have just finished week 10 of this pregnancy.

I personally have never felt this type of hurt.  I have cried harder than I thought I could.  We have a road of recovery and healing ahead of us and I am scared of the next steps that follow a miscarriage.

However, In situations like these it is crucial to fund something positive to think about and lean on and I couldn’t be more thankful for the support system that has abounded in a time like this.  My parents will still be here this weekend, and though the news is not the same, it sure makes me feel good to know that they will also be here by my side as this upcoming week is going to be just as hard with a surgery.  Will’s family that lives in town has checked in on us, and his parents have checked in on us.  The texts and calls from everyone else have been sweet and comforting.  

Another true blessing has been seeing how wonderful my manager and coworkers at my job with Sysco have been in this situation.  They have worked with me continuously on my schedule and have been so accommodating with me on handling this.  I have worked a few jobs in the past and I can honestly say that once again Sysco has surpassed those other jobs in yet another department.  For that Will and I are more than greatful.  A few of my customers that I visit now know what has happened too, and even they have been understanding, and sending up prayers.  

While going through this we learned that the odds are against you when you become pregnant- as one doctor in the ER told us that 1 in 3 pregnancies result in a miscarriage.  There is also a greater odd that something was genetically wrong with the baby growing inside of me.  Someone else told me that less than 5% of women experience two miscarriages in a row, and less than 1% experience three in a row.  Those odds make you feel a teeny bit better after hearing 1 in 3 pregnancies don’t make it.  They also make you feel a little better when you just became that 1 in 3 yourself.  I type all of this because it seems that miscarriages aren’t talked about much, until you yourself experience one.  Then you begin to hear of the experiences other couples have had when it comes to losing a baby.  If not for our own experience with this, we would have never realized it was so common.  The fact that it is common does not make a miscarriage seem less important or any easier, but it does make you feel like you aren’t alone, and that is comforting.

These moments are moments for God.  Deep in our hearts Will and I know this happened for a reason, and we know that down the road our turn will come, and when it does you better believe that my happiest of happy posts will have a day to shine!

For you all reading this, know that we appreciate your prayers, and we WILL be okay.

If there is one thing I hope you may take away from this, remember that pregnancy is hard.  I personally know several people who have a hard time conceiving, or do go through multiple miscarriages, for several years even-and a lot of them are perfectly healthy, so you might never even know it.  It IS perfectly okay to ask a couple if and when they may want to have kids, but remember too at some point to maybe take a step back as well, as you never know whether they are going through a moment like this.  If you have asked a handful of times and are getting similar responses, chances are that something is going on, and maybe it isn’t time to ask that question again for a little while.  Being asked that question can make it that much more difficult.  

3 Days Later:

So moving forward… Right now it is almost 2pm on Friday.  For the most part Will and I are doing better.  The moments come and go, but talking with family, having the support at work, and trusting that this is what God wanted, helps.

Unfortunately, those hard moments do come, and right now is one of them.  Today was going to be our check up.  It would have been my second chance to see our baby, Will’s first chance.  It’s heartbreaking to think that instead I’m now waiting on surgery next week.

This too will pass, but for the moment it is sad.

Day 5:

It is Sunday.  Today is the day we would have shared the good news with our families.  We are still having dinner with them which helps pass the time, but the idea of no longer having the happy suprise news is still saddening.

This too will pass, but for the moment it is sad.

Day 6:

Most of today I have felt fine.  Again, my manager, coworkers, and just job in general have been so great and ready to work with me.  I don’t ever like to feel like I abuse help like this, so I did offer to take my own calls up through Tuesday.  I knew I couldn’t be up and moving and away from home too much, in case the miscarriage decided to happen on its own before my surgery on Wednesday.  Well of course I am the most stubborn individual, and had been sitting around or with someone all weekend in case anything happened.  I had had a few rough pains, but I survived. (You also can not take any pain relievers or medicine besides Tylenol for like a week or so before your surgery. Sooo you just get to fight though them when they happen.)  Well this particular Monday I decided I could at least make it to two of my customers that are practically by my house.  I wanted to feel like I wasn’t completely helpless and I was hoping it would take my mind off of it some.  That wasn’t true.  By the time I made it to the second stop I was getting a little more sore so I finished up and went back home to do the rest of my calls.  The rest of the day it still wasn’t unbearble but there was more consistent pain than I had felt so far, and not a lot of relief in between.  The worst of it waited until that night to happen.  My pain tolerance if fairly good, but the pain I felt this night was unlike any other.  I didn’t know how to sit or lay, or stand, or move around.  I was shaking and holding in as much crying as I could.  I finally told Will, and he sat with me for a while while I just rocked on the floor.  They say when miscarriage happens on its own, that it is similar to actually giving birth.  I personally have not been fortunate enough to give birth yet, as this would have been our first.  Though I’m pretty sure that is what was happening.  Within an hour or two I did lose something, and the pain stopped, my voice changed and I felt relief.  Looking back now, I’m pretty sure I passed what would have been our baby.  If this makes you uncomfortable to read, this is the only part of this post like this.  I will not apologize for it though, because for me this was a life-changing experience.  One that you can read about and hear about from others and just hope never happens to you.  So if there is a person going through something similar out there, I want YOU to know you’re not alone.

This too will pass, but for the moment it is painful and sad.

Day 8:

Today.  Today we go to the hospital.  This will be the day that whatever is left of our baby is removed.  I have had my moments of tears this week, as has Will.  I know that this is what has to happen.  I don’t, however, hope to ever go through this again.

We kept ourselves together, but once we pulled into the hospital it hit me again.  This was it.  What would finally end the physical part of this pregnancy.  I pulled myself together and we went on in to check in.  Every person I dealt with from check-in through the OR and into Recovery was beyond sweet and wonderful.  When the nurses took me back to start checking and prepping me for surgery I was still holding it together, but then all of the questions came.  I still managed to hold myself together and get through them, but while changing my clothes, that ended.  They took me to my bed where I would wait and started the IVs and medicines.  That’s when I cried.  They eventually at least let Will come back, and all I could say was “why our baby?!”  Of course when I have any emotion, good or bad, I get red and splotchy, so the poor nurses thought I was having an allergic reaction. I was not.  I also think they thought I was terrified of surgery.  I was not.  The only thing about it that worried me was being put to sleep.  You can stitch and staple deep cuts.  You can heal broken bones.  You can remove things.  You can take medicine for sickness.  You can do lots of things to help someone, but once in a blue moon, being put to sleep doesn’t work out.  I was of course scared of that one part, not the needles or anything else! Now that I’ve been put under, that will no longer scare me.  Mostly, I was just sad.

I woke up in recovery and the nurse sitting with me was also wonderful and sweet.  She monitored things for a while and finally got me my clothes and a wheel chair and took me to Will and my Mom.

The nurses and doctor had already talked to Will about instructions we needed to follow.  The doctor also told Will it did look like I had passed the part with the baby on my own, but there had been a lot of stuff left, so it’s a good thing he took care of removing everything, as that could have easily caused an infection that could have prevented future pregnancies.

Now in case you didn’t know, I happen to have a stomach of steel and can always eat pretty much eat anything, and never feel bad about it.  So fortunately the anesthesia also did not seem to bother me or make me nauseas.  We went to Popeyes.  I ate three or four spicy chicken tenders with buffalo sauce, fries, a biscuit and LOTS OF WATER!  
We headed home.  The pain has been a little uncomfortable but not horrible.  The worst of the physical part is over.  Now we just have to move on from the emotional part.  That will just take time, prayers, and things to keep me busy for a while.

This too will pass, but for the moment it is heartbreaking.

Day 19: (10.25.15)

Today is the last day I will journal in here about going through a miscarriage.  Since the D & C Surgery, things have physically been fine.  Everything healed perfectly, and as of this past Wednesday I was given the okay to workout again.  That and handling my work schedule have at least put a little normalcy back in my life.  Unfortunately there are moments when the emotional roller coaster starts up, but those moments don’t last for too long. I know they will continue to get smaller and not as frequent with time.  

The fact is, we have a baby in Heaven right now.  I will always wish I had had the opportunity to meet him or her in person, but I didn’t, and that’s okay.  I know God has a plan.

Soooo, if you have read the entirety of this post- know that we are and will continue to be better with time.  Will did sit through a Taylor Swift Concert this weekend, and admitted he liked it!  We did all the big Atlanta Tourist Attractions we could squeeze into a 5 hour time frame, and have eaten our weight in food in the last 24 hours.  And we had a GREAT time doing it all!  

Those are the moments that help this loss get easier.  For those moments we laughed and danced and smiled and things were right in the world.

Love you all,

Amy (and Will)

5 thoughts on “Real Life…

  1. Don’t know what prompted me to check in and see if you had written anything about your run this past weekend, but here I am, crying again for you and Will and all of us, too. Facing the future with hope doesn’t mean leaving the past behind. After your mom had her miscarriage and it didn’t seem that she was going to get pregnant again, she said to me one day, while she was down here, that “I guess I’ll just have to have dogs, because it doesn’t look like I’m ever going to get pregnant.” Later on, in the hot of summer, she was complaining about being sick and I remember joking that maybe she was pregnant and we laughed about it…little did we know, at that moment, we were all being blessed with you being on the way. It will happen for you and Will (and all of us) when the time is right, so just keep on keeping on! We all love you and Will so very much….now I’ve got to go get another tissue….

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  2. ….it’s only 12:56 AM here so not sure why the time is so off. You know that I wouldn’t be up that early unless I just hadn’t gone to bed yet! XOXO

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  3. Honey, there isn’t much anyone can say, except that we are sorry you had to go through this. You and Will are going to be wonderful parents one day, and we are going to be thrilled to have another great-grandchild. For right now, you know you have our love and our prayers. I haven’t wanted to say much before, because I didn’t know if you wanted to talk about it. But thanks for the courage it took for you to write this and go through all the feelings and hurt again. Grandpa and I love you with all of our hearts. God bless.

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  4. Cathy and I feel for your loss and pain.
    Neither one of us can say it any better than the two of your grandmothers wrote above.
    We enjoyed the visit with you and the family during this time.
    Maybe we can make it next year too. We’ll have to wait and see.
    Love,
    Joseph and Cathy

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  5. Pingback: Miscarriage…. Again. | The Cashion Life

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